Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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