Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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