Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
