my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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