eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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