True but thats because hes a fetus.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
