My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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