He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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