I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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