just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
