I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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