did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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