My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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