You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
