Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
