My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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