So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
