I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize