Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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