There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
