This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
