I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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