a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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