someone threw a dead crab at me
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
