So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
