Define "chronic" masturbator.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
