Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
God, I missed his penis.
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