My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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