I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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