I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
