my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
