Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
