I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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