im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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