Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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