I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
