woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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