Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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