Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
