Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
