dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
