Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
