i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How external is "for external use only"?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
