1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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