dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
