the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
