When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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