She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
