and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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