fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
