NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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