I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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