If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
