you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
