you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
