i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
