with your own penis?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
