Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
