I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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