there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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